I’ve said it 1000 times – the inner critic can be so sneaky. It interprets our fears and tells us lies, all in an effort to try and keep us “safe.” But here’s the thing: that inner critic is our own voice, our own self. So it’s really easy to take its harsh words to heart. We tend to believe every word our inner critic says without question.
In my journey as a coach, I’ve done a ton of inner critic work on myself. I got really good at recognizing when my perfectionist voice was showing up, and when I was being overly hard on myself. From there, I got really good at using tools like breath work and body awareness to calm myself down. Then I would offer a new reframe for what was happening in my head. Or at least, that’s what I thought.
Yesterday, I became very aware of a new way my inner critic is showing up. I don’t think it’s actually new per se, but it’s a new realization for me. I was at a baseball game for one of my kids. I noticed I was feeling on edge for no apparent reason. Then I heard the voice in my head with all the criticisms I assumed were happening around me about my child’s skills.
He was competing against kids who had been playing much longer and were more advanced in many ways. I looked around and saw some of the dads had stopwatches out, timing every kid’s speed. Thoughts flooded my mind: Why are they timing my kid? Who do they think they are comparing my kid or any other kid?
Yep, mama bear mode was in full force. I was ferociously protecting my cub and reacting to thoughts that were not based in reality. Despite the dads with stopwatches, none of the criticisms in my head were actually said out loud. My inner critic imagined anything negative I thought somebody could say, so I could have a response ready to defend my kid.
It’s fascinating how when we take away the critic’s original purpose, it shape-shifts to find new reasons for existing. The most important thing is that now I’m aware of how my critic is showing up. That’s the first step in dismantling its power over me.
Right on cue, it was like the universe knew exactly what I needed. I listened to a Mel Robbins podcast about using the phrase “let them.” Even if those dads were judging, let them. Even if people were making assumptions about my kid or my family, let them.
Why let them? Because we can’t control other people. The battle for control leads to stress and no real change, since we can’t force people to think differently. I can reframe my thinking: I don’t need to take on what others say or think. Their assumptions are theirs. I’m in control of me.
This was an important reminder for me to stay grounded in myself and my values, rather than spinning out based on what my inner critic says others think. My inner critic has lost some control over me, and that’s progress!
If this resonates with you, I encourage you to explore your own relationship with your inner critic.
Here are some tips:
– Start paying attention to when that voice pops up. Does it come up most when you’re feeling insecure or scared?
– Notice the specific language it uses. Is it exaggerated or outright harsh? These are clues it’s your inner critic talking, not objective truth.
– Separate the critic’s voice from your own. Speak to it as “you” not “I.” Give it a name if that helps create distance.
– Question its motives. Does it really have your best interests at heart or is it driven by fear?
– Reframe its messages. If it says you’re “not good enough,” reframe this as “I’m human and still learning.”
– Let the critic know you’re on to it! Call it out and disempower it. “Ah yes, there’s my inner critic again, telling me I’m a failure.”
– Tend to your inner child. Offer yourself empathy and compassion as an antidote to the critic.
The more you can dismantle the power of your inner critic, the less control it has over you. This takes diligence and practice, but it’s work that pays off in reduced self-judgment and greater self-trust. Give it a try!
Working on this inner critic can be a tender place, and you can often find yourself in need of deeper support. I have a powerful resource for helping to quiet that inner critic. I’ve created a monthly membership where you’ll find self-paced learning materials, to include worksheets to the inner critic on the spot, and exercises for confronting it and reframing harmful thought patterns to build a more self-assured you. You’ll also experience the power of on demand 1 on 1 coaching with me where you need it most.
It’s called the Success Sanctuary and you can check out the details here: https://crazyconfidenceisyours.com/plans/328391?bundle_token=0108790183a3d4d9d94b7b9d9da4b237&utm_source=manual