I’m a bitch, but only if I chose to let others define me
When I was in basic training for the army I was selected to be the platoon guide. It’s a student leadership position where you are in charge of leading a platoon of about 40 other soldiers around about your age. Everyone of us is brand new to the military unless we were prior service. So, basically everybody is brand new.
Anyway, for whatever reason, and most definitely unbeknownst to me at the time, my drill sergeant saw leadership potential in me. So there I was, 18 years old, 105 pounds and a whopping 5 feet tall and I’m in charge of an entire platoon of soldiers. I did not know how to march, couldn’t call cadence to save my life, but that is the very first task he gave me. I didn’t even realize at the time that what was happening was I was being chosen to be the PG.
While the other platoons in our battalion rotated through platoon guides like they were going out of style, I held steadfast in my position for the entire duration. Let me tell you, this was not by choice. I would’ve loved nothing more than to have been replaced. Being in charge of an entire platoon of people who do not want you in charge of them sucks. How bad does it suck? I’ll save some of these details for another day but a lot of the opportunities that were given to other soldiers as we progressed through our phases were not available to me. I had to teach other soldiers how to march while trying to keep my own two left feet straight, to make sure everybody’s boots were shined to an unreasonably high gloss, to be the last one to eat which left me with about four minutes for each meal. (Not an exaggeration)
Ladies, it sucked!
Why do I share all of those details with you? It sure as heck isn’t to toot my own horn. I did not want that position! Now that I’ve driven that point home let me tell you where I’m going with this.
Anything that went wrong in the platoon while I was in charge came back to me. So, one day we were standing in line for chow. We weren’t allowed to talk. So one behind the other we were either allowed to stand in silence staring forward into space, or to read our student hand guide. One particular chatterbox couldn’t seem to find either one of those options sufficient. I had repeatedly told him “At ease is the noise“. That’s military talk for shut up.
Lol
Well, after another instance of having to tell him to at ease the noise, I turned around to continue walking my line just to hear “she’s such a bitch.”
Yep!
I was in a position I hated, trying my best to get the platoon to do what I needed them to do so my tail didn’t end up in front leaning rest (push-up position) and I was the bitch.
Maybe that particular soldier was right. Maybe I was a bitch. I am 99% certain I drove home his thoughts around me being a bitch when I sent him back to the platoon area to eat an MRE (meals ready to eat…google it) by himself.
Now you may have decided at this point that either he was right about me being a bitch, or that just maybe I was the hero in the story. That’s besides the point, though. If I were a male soldier in that position, would I have been called a bitch? Would it have been my fault that I was required to keep the platoon in line? Would he have hated having to listen to me? I don’t know. I’m certain at this point, though, that we’ve all formed our own opinion of that answer.
The overarching point here is someone else is always going to have an opinion of how you are showing up. As a woman, taking a lead in any situation, you risk being called a bitch instead of assertive. You risk being called aggressive instead of ambitious. You are very likely going to be called the nasty thing instead of the empowering thing that your male counterpart would otherwise be called.
Don’t let that bother you. Yes, easier said than done. I got that part, love.
But I don’t waver when I repeat the words, don’t let that bother you. If you let it bother you you will never rise to the occasion. You won’t choose to do the thing you want to do for yourself.
There will never be a point in time where everybody in the room looks at you with reverence.
There will always be somebody who has a nasty opinion.
Let that be a reflection of them, not a reflection of you!
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